Race Against Time (Part 2)

[This is an MST version of a Speed Racer episode, "Race Against Time, Part 2". The reason it's not Part 1 is because I don't have that one on tape.]

In the first part, Speed and Trixie set out to find Calcia, the daughter of archaeologist Digger D. Bone (this was his last request) who disappeared while researching a dig with Dr. Splint Femur. They find her in a temple with slaves and stuff, but she hit her head and thinks she's Cleopatra and the evil Femur plays along, wanting the treasure. He says that Speed must go to a pyramid a 100 miles away and bring back a statue of Isis that's on the top of it and return in 2 hours, before the pyramid's shadow reaches the temple statue's eye, or Trixie gets lowered into a big flaming cauldron thingy.

Speed: The statue of Isis...and I've got to bring it back within one hour.

TOM (Lenscrafters announcer): Egyptian statues in about an hour.

MIKE: Remember, Robin, both hands on the Batrope!
TOM: Oh yeah, you can tell he's an experienced rappeller.
CROW: Why would a homing robot come with a rope attached to it?
TOM: In the event it needs to be used as a grappling hook on the side of a pyramid.
CROW: Oh.

MIKE: Gosh, I hope they can't see him against that pyramid...it's not like he was wearing glow-in-the-dark white pants and a helmet or anything.

CROW: Was that a cryptic little wink? TOM: You comin' on to me?

MIKE: Thank you, Captain Exposition.

ALL: (laugh)
MIKE: Boy, Bruce Jenner's got nothing on this guy.
TOM: Just because he's precariously perched on the side of a pyramid where the slightest movement could send him plummeting to his death is no reason he couldn't get enough arm behind that robot to fling it a hundred yards.

CROW (Speed): Hey, this is easy! Why didn't I do this first? TOM: Is this what they refer to as a "pyramid scam?"

MIKE: Ahh! I've stepped into another time dimension!
TOM: How the hell is he supposed to carry a big old statue back down?

TOM: Oh.
CROW: That teeny statue stood on top of a pyramid for millenia through sandstorms and hurricanes and stuff?
MIKE: Not exactly MacGyver, is it?

Trixie: Oh, Speed, you've got to hurry...the shadow has almost reached the statue's eye!

TOM (singing): "The shadow's as high as that big statue's eye..."
MIKE: You know, when someone dangles above a flaming cauldron it's still pretty damn hot even if they don't get lowered into it.
CROW: I declare a moratorium on all flames regarding scientific or logical inaccuracies...although they are really asking for it.

TOM: Give us Barabbas!
MIKE: Remember the Maine!
CROW: Burn the witch!
ALL: Attica! Attica!

MIKE (Speed): Fortunately, my super-genius and car aficionado father constructed the homing robot out of solid titanium so it could easily survive being chewed up by a propeller. My father built the Mach 5, the most sophisticated and amazing car...
TOM: Speed, shut up about your damn father and your damn car.

CROW: Geez, Scud missiles don't have guidance systems that accurate!

Calcia: You must not burn her!
Femur: But the young man has failed to return in person and that was part of the bargain!

MIKE: Mr. Loophole.
CROW (Trixie): Um...it's still pretty hot up here...um, if you could just like raise me up again? Please? Pretty toasty...I feel my skin crackling...

TOM: Looks like he could have made it after all.
MIKE: This could be an historic moment in the history of Speed Racer...for once, Speed actually didn't think his damn car could do something fast or well enough.

MIKE: Speed Racer, ladies and gentlemen, Speed Racer.
(all applaud)
TOM: Only in a Tatsunoko cartoon could a 160 pound teenager fling a 300 pound thug twenty yards without seriously spraining something.

Speed: Hold it!
Trixie: Speed!

MIKE (Trixie): You're late, dickweed! Thanks to you I no longer have the inconvenience of SKIN!

TOM: Nice outfit, Speed. You look like Bea Arthur.

Trixie: Even if we could get away we're still in the middle of the desert.

MIKE: That's a good point.

Speed: We'd be all right if we could get into the Mach 5.

CROW: All right already we know all about your damn dirty Mach 5!

Spritle (from on top of the elephant): All hail the Queen!
Trixie and Speed: That's Spritle's voice!

TOM: No no, don't tell me...he and the monkey stowed away in the trunk and are going to save everyone's butt.
CROW: I don't know why they're even surprised to see him anymore.

MIKE (foreman): Why the hell didn't you say so? We've been digging way over here for like two months now!
TOM: I guess she wanted to build up the suspense.

CROW: Hey, they're sleeping under the runway from Die Hard 2!
TOM: John McClane would tolerate Speed Racer for about two seconds before kicking him halfway into next week.

Speed: C'mon, Trixie, wake up!

MIKE: Time to make the donuts.

TOM: Sounds like everyone needs a Primatine Mist.
CROW: Why is there always so much gasping in dubbed things?
MIKE: I dunno, I guess voice actors get paid by the breath.

MIKE: Kids come a-runnin' for the rich taste of wax fruit.
TOM: Since when are little kids so enamored of produce?
CROW: Whatcha bet this is another stupid little monkey-eats-everything scene.

CROW: Toldja.
TOM: C'mon, Crow, it wouldn't be Speed Racer without mindless padding that's supposed to be comic relief.

ALL: Chug it! Chug it!
MIKE: I'm just waiting for the day when they all gang up and skewer Chim Chim with Mom Racer's knitting needles.
CROW: Maybe Racer X could run him over with his car.
MIKE: Yeah, in his dreams.

TOM (Speed): Even dressed like John the Baptist I can still kick ass. Yeah, I'm pretty cool.

CROW: Why the hell did they give Trixie pearls to wear with her slave garments?
MIKE: I think Calcia's doing her Tammy Faye Baker vamp...check out that eye makeup.
TOM: Yeah, and her hair's just like Mia Wallace's!
CROW (Mia): "I'll be down in two shakes of a lamb's tail."

MIKE (Speed): Man, I hope that head-kerchief didn't mess up my James Dean hairdo.
CROW: Not likely, that thing is sealed with epoxy.

Spritle: Wow! He's my brother and he sure can fight!

CROW: He ain't heavy, he's my brother!
TOM: What kind of example is this guy setting for his kid brother?
MIKE (Speed): Remember, Spritle, always fight off five guys at once, drive 200 miles per hour, never treat your girlfriend nicely, and never forget that the Mach 5 was designed and built by our father, Pops Racer, the greatest mechanic...
TOM: Shut up, Mike.

Spritle: I wonder where Trixie is, I wonder what's taking so long?
Speed: I hope she's all right.

MIKE (Speed): Not that I would ever in a million years demonstrate that I have any feelings for Trixie whatsoever.

Speed: We're out of gas!

ALL: D'oh!
MIKE: Ironic, isn't it? Here we are in the Middle East and we haven't any petroleum products at all!

Speed: Tell me Femur, what do you plan to do to me?
Femur: I've devised an interesting way to get rid of you. I've filled your car with gas and we're going to run you and it right into the Nile River!

TOM (Speed): Wouldn't it be easier to just shoot me?
MIKE (Femur): Don't be silly! That would allow you no chance for a clever escape and a nick-of-time rescue! We have to keep up SOME standards around here!

CROW: I guess the car's self-guiding, too.
TOM: Yeah, among other things.
MIKE: Are you suggesting that the Mach 5 is somehow superior to other cars?
CROW: Shh! Do you want Speed to go off on one of his speeches AGAIN?
TOM: Why are Japanimation heroes so prone to long-windedness?
MIKE: Who knows.

TOM: It's about this time that the A-Team would show up.
MIKE: I never thought I'd say this, but Mr. T would be a welcome sight right now.
CROW (Mr. T): I pity the fool that watches Speed Racer!

CROW: Boy, this guy finds the funny side of everything. TOM: Betcha he got an A in his "Evil Laughter" course at the Villain Academy.

Trixie: We're surrounded! We haven't a chance!

TOM: Uh, Speed, that's your cue, buddy.
MIKE: Isn't the hero supposed to use the "surrounded and don't have a chance" line on the villains?
CROW: Maybe this is some kind of role-reversal morality play and we just don't get it.

Trixie: Oh, it's Speed and he's alive and he's come to rescue us!

MIKE: Trixie, Stater of the Obvious Extraordinaire.
TOM: Good thing she said that, they all thought it was the Flying Wallendas come to practice their midair catches.

CROW: Cuckoo, cuckoo.
MIKE: Sounds like he's been snacking on some of the local mushrooms.
TOM: Thank you, Albert Rosenfield.

CROW (nerd voice): Oh, this is just like that one Gatchaman episode with the lava giant and the head of Mount Rushmore...
TOM (nerd voice): No no no, it's more like the one with the giant walking dinosaur bones..
CROW: Actually it reminds me also of that one Gargoyles episode with the Golem and the rabbis...
TOM: Or even the one with the big flying dragon with Excalibur and...
MIKE: No, guys, those are GOOD cartoons.
BOTH: Oh.

ALL: Ahhh...
CROW: I wonder why modern medicine has never picked up on the fact that the surefire cure for a head injury is to repeat the injury, a fact well-known in cartoons.

Speed: Trixie! Trixie!

TOM (Speed): Hey, I almost expressed an emotion there.
CROW: Quick, put a wallet under his tongue before it happens again!

Speed: I'll fight it, you go and see if you can find Calcia!

TOM (Trixie): Sure, no problem, my internal bleeding can wait.
MIKE: He'll fight it? One guy against a 100 foot tall stone statue?
CROW: Remember, Mike, he's Speed Racer, he's superhuman.
MIKE: Oh, sorry, I forgot.

TOM: Boy, that homing robot sure paid for itself in this episode.
CROW: I think he picked up this trick from Luke Skywalker.
MIKE: Too bad he can't use the Force. At least then he'd figure out that Racer X is his brother.
CROW: Like it isn't achingly obvious anyway.

TOM: Okay, I think we now have to ask the question "At what driving school do they teach lessons in martial arts and the use of semi-automatic weapons?"
MIKE: Don't forget that in Part 1 of this episode Speed also demonstrated an extensive knowledge of Egyptology.
CROW: C'mon guys, it's a given that to be a racing driver you need more combat skills than a Green Beret. It's a real survival-of-the-fittest lifestyle.

CROW: Oh my God! He touched her voluntarily!
MIKE: Call the Wuss Police, he's getting soft.
TOM: I don't think Racer X would approve of this, Speed.

MIKE: Guess the car'll have to see itself to safety.
TOM: You mean Pops Racer, mechanical genius, didn't install some feature for just this contingency?

CROW: In case you forgot, this is what's been happening.
TOM (Belloc): "So once again, Split Femur, we see that there is nothing you can own which I cannot take away."

MIKE: Isn't he worried about ricochet and stuff?
TOM: This is a cartoon, Mike. Rule Number One is "Never accurately portray the realistic behavior of guns, it's icky."

Speed: We've got to bail out.

CROW: Speed can't fly a plane? My entire image of him is shattered!
TOM: That might be his one area of deficiency in the survival skill department.
MIKE: Well, they had to give Trixie one unique ability.
CROW: Yeah, that's probably the only reason he's dating her. He could never let the love of a woman get between him and his car.

Announcer: Stay tuned for the next thrilling episode of "Speed Racer."

TOM: Same Speed time, same Speed channel.
MIKE: Whatcha bet it'll involve some race that gets sidetracked.
CROW: And a reference to the fact that no one except the audience knows about Rex.
TOM: And at least three speeches about how splendiferous the Mach 5 is.
MIKE: Well, it could be worse...they could make us watch old Smurfs reruns.
CROW: Okay, forget that I ever complained about Speed Racer.